


Everyone Hail to the Pumpkin Song

by Laughing_Phoenix, teacup_of_doom



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternative Trick or Treating, Gen, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Humor, Jack-o'-lanterns, Pumpkins, Silly, Too Much Sugar, Traditions, Trick or Treating, What Happens at SHIELD Stays at SHIELD, halloween party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:44:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughing_Phoenix/pseuds/Laughing_Phoenix, https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacup_of_doom/pseuds/teacup_of_doom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Halloween at SHIELD.  Shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Neither author has a financial stake in the Marvel Cinematic Universe nor makes any profit from this work.
> 
> Thanks to rusting_roses for the beta.

Phil considered his next cut, arms messy to the elbows with pumpkin guts. Coming to a decision, he gently tugged the knife through the rind, then set it down. Easing the loose section of rind out he tossed it into the sink, where it landed atop a mess of seeds and chunks of pumpkin. Wiping away shreds of pumpkin with his fingers, he smiled down at the jack-o-lantern’s glare. Perfect.

The next morning, Phil walked into SHIELD HQ, a large woven-plastic bag in hand along with his usual briefcase. Once at his office, he left the briefcase on his desk chair while he pulled things out of the bag. A garishly orange bowl with black bats and spiders went onto his desk, king-size candy bars poured into it from a smaller bag. Gently retrieving the pumpkin, Phil carried it into the hall and crouched beside his door to set it against the wall. Leaning back on his heels, he considered it for a moment, then minutely adjusted the angle before pulling an electric tea light out of his pocket. Clicking it on, he set it gently in the bottom of the pumpkin. Taking another moment to admire the effect, he stood and returned to his office.

From her desk, Maria Hill watched as Coulson went back into his office, pumpkin burning brightly in the hall. She gave him five minutes, then stood and left her office, tapping on the open door of the one across the hall. “Phil lit the pumpkin. You coming?”

Dropping his pen onto the papers he’d been signing, Sitwell scrambled to his feet. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

They walked to Coulson’s office, official expressions on, and Sitwell knocked. At Phil’s “come in,” they pushed open the door. “Trick or treat,” Maria and Sitwell said, grinning at their friend.

Coulson gave them his best amiable smile, reaching for the bowl. “Happy Halloween,” he said, holding it out. Maria and Sitwell each snagged a candy bar - Maria a Mounds, Sitwell a Milky Way.

“Anybody else drop by yet?” Sitwell asked, slipping his into his pocket.

“You’re the first,” Coulson said, “but you know that, because Assistant Director Hill’s been watching my door for the past twenty minutes.”

Maria nibbled on her candy bar, utterly unabashed.

Twenty minutes later, Phil looked up at another knock to see Agent Romanov standing in the door. He blinked slightly - Agent Romanov was in her usual black tactical gear, but she’d accessorized with a headband with black cat ears and a spot of black paint on her nose. “Trick or treat,” she chirped, and Phil blinked again. The last time he’d heard her speak like that, it hadn’t boded well for her target.

“Happy Halloween.” He held out the bowl of candy, letting her select a Twix. Slipping it into a small orange canvas bag with a smiling jack-o-lantern face printed on it, she sashayed out, black cat tail bobbing behind her. Phil tracked her progress down the hall, watching as a freshly recruited agent nearly ran into a wall to get out of her way, while other junior agents kept their eyes averted. 

Phil went back to his paperwork, agent assessments. He’d finished up two and was on his third when the bowl wobbled slightly. He snatched it back from the edge of the desk. “Barton, stop trying to steal the trick-or-treater’s candy.”

There was a muffled “damn,” and Phil glanced back up to watch as Barton army-crawled back across the room and out the door. Phil allowed himself a twitch at the corner of his mouth, and then went back to his paperwork.

As the day wore on, junior agents trickled in and out, trick-or-treating. The newest agents arrived in packs, banded together for their protection against Agent Coulson’s reputation, and went away with candy and more confused than they’d arrived. A double handful managed to scrape together costumes from whatever they could get their hands on around HQ - a woman from the helicopter flight crew showed up as a Ghostbuster, the icons drawn on scrap paper and taped to her regular coveralls. A trio - two junior agents, a scientist from R&D - showed up as MIB, complete with neuralizers. Another junior agent showed up with a mock-up of Captain America’s shield, cobbled together from a pizza box and duct tape. Phil slipped him a second candy bar.

Phil noted the names and departments of everyone who arrived in costume, making a mental note to refer them for further training in disguise. It wouldn’t do to stifle imagination.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Tony shuffled through the halls of SHIELD HQ, hands in pockets. He’d just come from a meeting with his least favorite pirate, and felt a bit drained. All he really wanted to do was go home, go straight to his lab and play around a bit, maybe with the flight stabilizers, and see if he could improve their efficiency a little bit more. That train of thought was promptly derailed, however, by the sight of Natasha Romanov in cat ears.

“Hey, Natalie! Is this the new fashion statement around these parts?” He gestured at the ears. And then caught sight of something behind her. “Oh hey, is that a tail? What’s up?”

“Stark,” she said, and Tony took it as a minor victory that she sounded amused. “It’s Halloween, everyone’s trick-or-treating.”

“Seriously?” Okay, Tony could see a bunch of spies enjoying the chance to dress up and get candy, because who didn’t like candy, but he’d thought that trick-or-treating would be too immature a pastime for SHIELD’s big bad reputation. Or something.

“Phil sets it up out of his office every year.”

Tony nearly dropped his phone, which he’d taken out to try and surreptitiously take a picture. Agent Agent, organizing trick-or-treating? This he had to see. “Huh, maybe I’ll drop by.”

Natasha gave him a sweet smile, and waved him in the direction of Coulson’s office. As he walked, Tony began to pick up on junior staff running around with king size candy bars and odd costume paraphernalia. He grinned at the Ghostbuster, and raised his eyebrows at the duct-tape Cap. Stopping in the hall outside Coulson’s office, he stared at the pumpkin for a long moment, before a shit-eating grin crossed his face and he double-timed it into Coulson’s office without knocking.

Agent Agent looked up at him with that faintly amused look that Tony loved and hated. “Mr. Stark, what can I do for you?”

“Oh, you know, I was in the area, got bored, thought I’d drop by. I’m loving what you’ve done with the pumpkin in the hall, by the way-”

“Stark, did you have a point or are you just wasting my time?” Coulson flipped shut the folder on his desk, stopping Tony’s attempts to read it upside-down.

“I’m just in search of candy.” Tony reached for the Reese’s Cups and shouted “Hey!” as Coulson smacked his hand away with the closed folder.

“Those are for trick-or-treaters only, Stark.” Coulson ignored Tony’s best puppy-dog eyes.

Tony felt this was distinctly unfair. He tried for an innocent expression, and failed miserably. “Oh come on, not even gonna share with your favorite superhero? Wait, never mind, that would be Cap. Your favorite billionaire playboy philanthropist?”

“You forgot one,” Coulson said mildly.

“Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist, geez, now I see why Fury has you doing all the paperwork.” Tony tried to inch his hand towards the bowl, and was once again blocked by the folder.

“Trick-or-treaters only, Stark.”

“Oh come on, are you really going to make me say it?” Coulson gave him the same mild look, and Tony threw his hands up in the air. “Fine, fine, whatever, trick or treat, happy now?”

“Absolutely.” Phil handed Tony the Reese’s Cups. “Happy Halloween, Mr. Stark.”

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

After Tony Stark stormed from his office in mock indignation, already tearing open his Reese’s Cups, another stream of junior agents trickled through Coulson’s office. While he was giving out the candy, Phil thought he heard a soft rustling in the air vent above his office, but made no outward sign of it. 

As he was holding out the bowl of candy to a pilot, a noise from above had Phil jerking the bowl to the side. A suction cup-tipped arrow sailed through the space the bowl had been, string trailing behind it. “Barton, stop trying to steal the candy.” Phil said, not even looking up towards the vent, but continuing to smile congenially at the pilot in front of him. 

There was a muffled curse from above, and then the arrow was drawn up, and thudding noises followed, tracking across the ceiling before disappearing completely.

Phil smiled gently and held the bowl back out to the wide-eyed pilot. “Happy Halloween.” 

The pilot took her candy bar and fled. 

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Steve was leaving the range when he saw the shield. It was a rough mockup of his own, made of what looked like tape and cardboard. It wasn’t bad, actually - though it still carried a faint smell of pizza. 

When the agent carrying it saw Steve looking, he turned bright red and hid it behind himself, scurrying down the hallway and out of sight. Steve, amused, followed more sedately, but lost sight of the duct tape captain. As Steve walked through the halls, he saw more agents with some form of costume or other, many with candy bars in hand or sticking out of a pocket.

Natasha rounded the corner ahead of him, wearing a headband with...were those cat ears? Steve let out a relieved breath. She’d been very good about explaining things to him, more patient than Tony or Clint and not inclined to tease him for the gaps in his knowledge. “Agent Romanov, do you have a minute?”

“Of course.” She gave him a sweet smile. “Happy Halloween, Captain Rogers.”

“Happy… oh, is that why everyone’s dressed up?”

“SHIELD has a small Halloween party every year, and Agent Coulson provides candy for people who trick-or-treat at his office.”

“I see. Does everyone have to put on a costume?”

“Most don’t, but Coulson prefers it when they do.” Smiling, she patted him on the arm and turned away. The orange bag on her arm looked as if it had candy in it already.

Steve thought for a moment, then turned, making a beeline for his locker. Hauling his suit out of of the locker, he quickly stripped off his shirt. He felt a little silly, this was really something kids did, but if it was in the spirit of things, he could join in. Besides, he’d never actually got to experience Halloween that much the first time around. Catching up the shield, he went back out into the halls, making for Coulson’s office and trying to ignore the stares around him.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

“Come in,” Phil called at the knock on the door, eyes locked to the forms he was signing off on.

“Trick or treat, sir,” A familiar voice said.

Coulson’s head shot up, and his jaw dropped at the sight of Captain America standing in his office door in full regalia. “Happy Halloween,” he said automatically, groping for the bowl of candy. The captain grinned, happy as a child, and took a Snickers bar.

“I like your pumpkin,” he said, saluted with the Snickers, and vanished back out the door. Phil stared for a moment longer, then put the bowl down, absently noting that he was running low and would have to break out the second bag soon.

Bruce arrived shortly thereafter, goggles balanced on his head and in his lab coat. “Trick or treat,” he said, and took an Almond Joy.

“Take two,” Phil said. “The other guy should get one too.”

Bruce stared at him for a minute, then ducked his head shyly, reaching for a PayDay. “He likes peanuts.”

Thor arrived in full armor about an hour later, clanking slightly. “Son of Coul,” he boomed, and Phil was reminded once again that Thor got _loud_ when excited, “I am told it is tradition upon this date to visit one’s friends while dressed in costume and demand sweets. Thus, trick or treat!”

“That’s pretty accurate,” Phil held out the bowl, which Thor perused eagerly. “Mostly it’s just for kids, but I make exceptions for SHIELD.”

“We have a similar tradition in Asgard,” Thor told him, selecting a KitKat. “It takes place in the early spring, thus my consternation when Natasha told me of the celebrations today. I would have missed this otherwise.”

“I’m glad she caught you, then. Happy Halloween.”

“Happy Halloween!” Thor boomed, and trotted out of Phil’s office. Phil could hear him wishing people a happy Halloween all the way down the hall.

“He’s enthusiastic,” Barton said from the door.

“It’s nice to see him getting into the spirit of things,” Phil smiled at his agent. “Did you want something, Barton?”

“Nah, just thought I’d wander by.” Barton swaggered into the room, hands in his pockets. “Though Stark seemed manic about something when I saw him after lunch, so he may be inventing something crazy again.” He leaned one hip against the desk. “He said something about lasers.”

Phil yanked the bowl of candy back, revealing Clint’s hand reaching for a candy bar. “The candy’s for trick-or-treaters, Barton.”

“Awwww, c’mon.” Clint pouted.

“You have to ask,” Coulson deadpanned. “It’s tradition.”

“Trickertreat” Clint muttered. At Phil’s raised eyebrow, he straightened. “Trick or treat, okay?”

Phil smiled, pushing forward the bowl. Barton snatched up a 3 Musketeers and whisked out of the room. Phil laughed a little and returned to his paperwork, shaking his head.

By the end of the day, Phil was about ready to pack up his papers and put things away before SHIELD’s traditional Halloween party. He’d had more visitors throughout the day and his candy supply was seriously depleted.

A figure in a black trench coat filled the doorway. “Really Cheese, my face on a pumpkin?”

“It’s just an eyepatch.”

“Just an eyepatch my ass.” There was a short stare-off.

“It seemed appropriate, sir.”

“Trick or fucking treat, Cheese.”

Phil handed Fury the last Midnight Milky Way. “Happy Halloween, Director.”

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

At the Halloween party that night, Phil stood by the bar, surveying the room. The punch had been spiked at least twice, the more junior members of SHIELD were finally beginning to break out of their departmental cliques to mingle, and he could see a drinking game going on in a back corner. There was a wide array of costumes, varying in scope, and he took a moment to be grateful that nobody had repeated the previous year’s gaffe and come as a member of HYDRA.

Phil raised an eyebrow at the jack-o-lanterns decorating every available surface. A double handful seemed unusually well-done, carved with too-precise lines. He took a count - they were all Avengers-themed, and not quite half of them had the Iron Man mask. Stark’s work then.

Banner stood by the wall a few meters away, looking exhausted. Phil made his way over. “Doctor Banner, how are you?”

“Mmm? Fine, just a bit…” he trailed off, gesturing at the room. “It was a long day, that’s all.”

“I see. I was just looking at the pumpkins, Stark’s work?”

Banner laughed. “Yeah, yeah, he said he was inspired by the one outside your office,” he took his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes. “Tony spent all day recalibrating the lasers, so they’d cut properly without blowing through the pumpkin or just plain blowing it up.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. “Blowing them up?”

“Yeah, the first one didn’t really go so well. Chunks of pumpkin went everywhere, I think he might still have some in his hair. The bots he installed were going nuts trying to clean it up.”

Phil looked about until he could see Tony Stark, who in lieu of an actual costume was wearing a black t-shirt with the word “costume” written on it in white lettering. There were indeed still pumpkin guts in his ridiculously messy hair. Phil smirked, just a tiny, tiny bit. Steve Rogers was nearby, still in his uniform, but seemed to be having a good conversation with duct tape Cap, and they were apparently taking pictures of one another. 

Natasha suddenly appeared at Phil’s right elbow - not startling either of the men, though it was hard to tell with the scientist. Natasha was still sporting her cat ears and tail. The orange bag that Phil had seen her sporting earlier was now laden down with what looked like fun-size candies of all types. 

She smiled sweetly at them both. “I like New York at this time of year.” She said. “People are so...generous.” She unwrapped a candy and popped it into her mouth, then sashayed away towards the chocolate fountain, stealing candy from the pockets of baby agents as she went. 

Phil and Bruce looked at each other, and wisely decided to refrain from commenting. 

Phil did have to comment not two minutes later, when Clint wandered by, a smug expression on his face, every pocket of his suit weighed down by so much candy that they were fit to burst, and eyeing the pockets of a junior agent who was watching the drinking game from afar. 

“Barton. No.”

“But Tasha’s winning!”

“Winning, what, exactly? Is this your idea of trick or treating?”

“Trick or treat - for spies.” Clint agreed, and then held up his hands, not noticing that Natasha was behind him now, offloading from one of his pockets. “We haven’t been looting from kids! Honest!”

“Funnily enough.” Phil said, deadpan. “That wasn’t my first worry.” 

Natasha slipped away, her bag much heavier, just as Clint patted his pockets, realized something was amiss and ran into the crowd yelling about “rules” and “cheating.” 

Bruce disappeared too, after a bit - Phil had noticed that he’d been constantly munching on anything containing peanuts. 

Phil found that Pepper Potts had replaced him. The Stark Industries CEO was wearing a set of angel’s wings on top of her normal attire. 

“Nice wings.” He said. 

Pepper smiled back. “Thank you. Tony was trying to get me to wear a chili pepper suit earlier.”

“I can see how well that worked.” Phil retorted. 

Pepper handed him a candy bar. It was a king size, plain Hershey’s chocolate bar. “Happy Halloween Phil.”

Phil did smile then. “Happy Halloween to you too, Miss Potts.”

Across the room, a candy fight broke out.


	2. ATTENTION

**ATTENTION: ALL SHIELD AGENTS**

The annual Halloween Party has been canceled due to HYDRA infiltration.

Trick or treating will still take place out of Director Coulson's office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fury Pumpkin courtesy of Phoenix. SHIELD Pumpkin courtesy of Teacup.
> 
> Thanks to **hollow_echos** for patiently educating us in the image-embedding process. You're a doll.

**Author's Note:**

> Phoenix was over at Teacup's for a day of baking and movies, and somehow this little gem was the result. The authors had decidedly consumed too much sugar. Our beta laughed at and enabled us. We hope you enjoyed.


End file.
